The One You Feed Read online

  Emily lifted her basket and shuffled to the door. “Don’t worry none about your girlfriend. I bet she’ll be happy to drop the child with someone. Better someone safe, who’ll care for her. Besides, I got nothing but time.”

  When Emily left, Ronny sagged against the table. Vicki would never go for it. She’d be pissed he even considered it.

  The dryer buzzed. He straightened to remove the now lemony-scented clothes. He’d have to put his foot down. If Vicki wanted any money for dope, she’d do as she was told.

  He was shocked Vicki jumped at the possibility of free daycare. He’d barely finished telling her about Emily and she was bundling Amy up. She grabbed a can of formula, two bottles, the remaining diapers, and then told him to grab the playpen.

  He followed her to the door. “Vick, I meant when I’m gone. Not right now.”

  “No time like the present. Besides, it’s better to know she’s going to be okay. Amy is a demanding baby.”

  Even before they knocked, the door across the hall opened. Emily reached to take the baby from Vicki. Inside, the laundry basket sat on a pastel-colored-floral-patterned fluffy sofa in the center of her small living room. The apartment mirrored Ronny’s but Emily’s floors were clean, her dining room table bare; except for a vase of red flowers in the center. He caught the scent of lavender as she leaned forward. He wondered if such a nice person could handle Vicki’s bullshit.

  “Now, don’t worry,” Emily said. “I figured you’d want me to get familiar with her, and she is a cutie.” She nuzzled Amy’s nose with her own and smiled at Ronny.

  “I’ll pick her up in an hour,” he said.

  Emily backed into her apartment. “Lord no…. Take the night. You two get reacquainted and I’ll get to know this little one.”

  “But you’ll need diapers and—”

  “We’ll go for a little walk. Won’t we, love?” She kissed Amy’s cheek. “I’ll get what I need and you can come by in the morning to take her home.”

  Ronny allowed Vicki to lead him back into their apartment. She slammed the door with one foot before wrapping her body around him.

  “I’ve got a treat for you,” she murmured into his ear.

  Her hips grinding against his made him harden. It had been so long. “You do?”

  “Yes, open your mouth.”

  Ronny obeyed.

  She slipped a tab under his tongue.

  Slowly he relaxed and returned her kisses with urgency. He lifted her off the floor and carried her to the bedroom. He’d stayed off the dope long enough. It was time to forget.

  CHAPTER 13

  The second week Devon was home, Opal arrived with diapers, clothes, and formula. She wore a deep blue dress, buttoned down the front and falling just past her knees. Always formal and put together, she looked strange carrying the bundle of diapers. Dana helped her bring in the bags. The formula had been an issue with Garrett. He thought Dana should breastfeed, and she would have, but the doctors said it would be impossible while Devon was in the hospital. She couldn’t stay and she wasn’t able to pump enough to leave with him. She was surprised that Opal brought it, knowing how Garrett felt.

  “His neck seems better,” Opal observed, holding the baby up. Devon blinked at her. “And he’s finally looking at me instead of the wall.”

  Dana smiled. “He’s doing much better. I just wish Garrett would try to hold him.”

  Opal cradled Devon. “Luke didn’t bond with the boys until much later. It’s a man thing.”

  “My dad held each baby within hours and he always helped my mom out.”

  “Well, I’m sure with so many children, there wasn’t much choice. Perhaps if this one resembled his father; it’d be easier to bond.” Opal stroked Devon’s blond hair.

  “He has Garrett’s eyes.”

  “Yes, well my boys were sturdy, healthy. Garrett has no idea what to do with this little mite. He’s probably afraid to break him.”

  Dana didn’t argue with Opal’s logic, though she knew there was more to it than that. Sometimes she was certain that Garrett hated Devon.

  —

  Devon screamed.

  Dana paced.

  From the bedroom across the hall, Garrett cursed.

  Silently pleading with Devon to settle, dreading the possibility of Garrett becoming angry enough to get up, Dana shifted his position. Once facing out, able to see the room around him, dimly lit by a tiny dump truck lamp, he stopped crying.

  “Thank God,” she whispered.

  She thought back to Devon’s birth, four months earlier. They made her wait two long days to hold him. When the nurses finally brought the baby to her, her heart ached at the sight of the misshapen infant in her arms. His head flopped to the left, like a rag doll. The muscles on his neck’s left side had weakened from his position in the womb. The doctors promised he would be fine with physiotherapy, but Dana’s relief had been short-lived. The nurses whisked Devon away once more, his skin an odd color and his temperature sky high.

  Along with jaundice, Devon developed a respiratory infection, which they said was extremely dangerous for newborns. She went home and he stayed for another three weeks.

  Naturally, Garrett blamed her. When they brought Devon home, she figured Garrett would bond, but she’d been wrong. He avoided them both.

  Devon fussed again, but calmed as Dana rocked him in the chair next to the small window. A few flakes of snow drifted past, illuminated by the streetlight outside. She watched them join the white blanket that covered the empty street. Slowly Devon’s eyelids drooped. Sucking on his lower lip, he whimpered and turned into her body, his face nuzzled against the soft cotton of her nightgown. A tear slipped down her cheek.

  She stood and walked across the room to set him, in his crib. He stirred, so she stroked his head, murmuring reassurances until he settled. She was tempted to turn on the mobile above the crib. The soft lullaby and tiny animals moving around soothed him, but Garrett didn’t like it. She switched off the light and tiptoed out into the corridor. At her bedroom door she paused and listened to Garrett’s snores before continuing down the hall to the living room.

  She would have to approach him soon about her going to work. Opal had offered to watch Devon if Garrett allowed her to work at the restaurant a few days each week. They needed the money desperately. Just last week she pleaded with the power company to give them more time to pay. When she handed Garrett the bill and the warning, he stuffed them on his coat pocket. Then he lost them. Finally, he gave her enough to pay half the bill. Then he forbade her to turn on any lights until he came home, not even the nightlight in Devon’s room. He also locked the thermostat so she couldn’t turn it up or down unless he was home. If the house was freezing when he came in, he accused her of leaving doors and windows open. She couldn’t win.

  The real problem, although she’d never say it to him, was that he drank seven days a week. The more he drank, the more it took for him to achieve his preferred level of drunkenness, which meant less and less of his paycheck went to bills and food. She couldn’t pretend much longer everything was fine. Soon there would be no phone, no television, and she wouldn’t have money for the few groceries she bought each week.

  She would mention it tomorrow…if he was in a good mood.

  —

  Before Garrett woke, Dana got up three more times to comfort Devon.

  As he walked into the living room, a scowl set in his face, Garrett glared. “How long does this colic shit last?”

  “It’s not something they can predict.” She set the bottle she’d been feeding Devon on the coffee table and patted his back.

  “Isn’t there something they can give him?”

  She rose to set Devon in the playpen next to the couch. “The doctor hasn’t mentioned anything but gripe water. He is getting better, settling easier than he was.”

  “When will you be sleeping in our room again?”

  The question startled her. He hadn’t commented on her decision to sleep on the c
ouch. Hadn’t even asked how she was feeling or offered to help out. “I didn’t want to wake you when Devon fusses.”

  “I wake up anyway. I’m going to be laid off in a week or so. It won’t matter much then.”

  “How long do you think you’ll be off?”

  “Probably until March.” Garrett walked toward the kitchen.

  Dana followed; he’d expect her to make coffee and breakfast. “Your unemployment will be a lot less,” she said, running water into the kettle before plugging it in next to the sink. “Are we going to be okay?”

  Garrett stared intently, as though reading her every thought and not liking what he saw. “I can take care of my family. You’ll just have to make sacrifices.”

  Dana didn’t know how much more she could sacrifice. She hadn’t bought anything extra since they were married. Even the groceries were mostly for Garrett. Her mom offered vegetables from her garden, but Dana refused so far, because then she’d have to explain where they came from. She wasn’t allowed to take anything from her family.

  “I was thinking I could help.” She ran her finger along the chipped beige countertop, pausing at the gap where she had fallen against it, breaking a small section away. “Your mom said she would watch Devon so I could work a day or two each week.”

  He stood. “I can take care of my family.”

  She flinched, expecting a slap.

  “Stop acting like I’m going to lose my head and beat you senseless. Christ woman, you act like you get beat every day.” He kicked the chair. “Why do you want to work so badly? Thinking of running out on me? I’ll hunt you to the ends of the earth. Know that before you start cooking up any bullshit schemes.”

  “It’s not that. I just know it’s hard on you to have to pay for everything. If I had some money, things wouldn’t be so tight for you. Just until you go back to work. Then I’d quit if you want me to.”

  “You’re not working at the restaurant.”

  A ray of hope opened in her heart. He didn’t say not at all, only no to the restaurant.

  “Besides,” he continued, “where are you going to find a place that lets you work a few days?”

  “Your mom said—”

  “I told you my mom doesn’t know shit. Fuck, Pete is running the restaurant now, and running it right into the ground. Dad’s talking about selling it, taking what he can get and retiring. You can’t go there.”

  “Well, there’s that factory that just opened; the clothing one.”

  “You think they’d hire you?”

  “I can try.” Dana’s heart sped up in her excitement; he was going to let her do it.

  “You can try, but if it interferes with your shit here, you’re done. I can’t see them hiring you anyway. You’re a mess.”

  Dana didn’t say anything. She didn’t want to risk ruining a glorious day. Finally, something of her own.

  Garrett stood back, watching every move she made. In one large, grease-stained hand, he toyed with a black lighter, flicking it over and over. He frowned and bent to move his other hand over a wrinkle in his dark green workpants. Dana held her breath. She forgot to iron them last night.

  After pouring water into a mug, she reached into a cupboard and took out the coffee. She scooped a spoonful into Garrett’s cup and ignored his stare, hoping he’d sit down and leave her alone.

  He reached out and looped a lock of her hair around his finger. Dana managed not to flinch.

  “You didn’t answer my question.” He gave a gentle tug.

  His eyes were playful, friendly, and she couldn’t resist smiling. “What question?”

  “When are you coming back to sleep with me?”

  “I want to.” Suddenly nervous, she turned away and pretended it took great concentration to measure out the sugar. “I didn’t pick up any birth control this month. We should probably wait.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I could get pregnant.”

  “No, why didn’t you pick it up?”

  “I couldn’t afford it.” She risked a glance at his face.

  He frowned.

  “I can go tomorrow. I didn’t think you wanted me anyway, because of the weight and the stretch marks. You said they were gross.” Her voice sounded small. Taking a deep breath, she handed him his mug.

  He took it, but continued to stare, a muscle in his jaw twitching. “You decided I didn’t want you, not me. I can’t believe you’d be so irresponsible. Unless you’re hoping I won’t touch you. Is that it? You got another guy waiting? This isn’t what you thought it would be?”

  “Don’t be silly.” Dana moved to walk past him but his hand shot out to hold her in front of him.

  “If I find out you’re running around, I’ll fucking kill you. Got it?”

  “Yes.” She silently begged him to stop. “I’m sorry I’ve been caught up with Devon. I didn’t mean to make you feel left out.”

  “You’re always sorry, but it doesn’t mean anything anymore.” He shoved the mug into her hands, the scalding liquid spilling down the front of her nightshirt. “You’ll be in that room tonight. Figure out how not to get knocked up before then.”

  The slamming door frightened Devon. Dana set the mug on the counter. Her hands already showed welts from the spilled coffee. She removed her nightshirt to inspect her chest and stomach: red, but nothing serious.

  Today she would go to the factory and then use some of Catherine’s money to buy birth control. She would not bring another child into this house until Garrett was happier.

  CHAPTER 14

  Dana called Catherine, hoping she would watch Devon for the time it took her to apply for the job and go to the drugstore. There was no answer, so she tried Opal.

  “He said yes?” Opal asked, after Dana explained what she wanted to do. “Are you sure?”

  “He told me to go ahead and try, as long as you don’t mind watching Devon.”

  “Why not work at the restaurant? You could pick your own hours. Luke would let you.”

  “He said no to that and the factory is closer.”

  “What’s wrong with the restaurant?”

  “He doesn’t want me putting you guys out.” It was a lie, but she wasn’t about to tell her mother-in-law that her son hated her.

  “Sounds silly to me, but if that’s how Garrett feels…”

  “So, you’ll come over?”

  “Sure, tomorrow.”

  Dana froze, tomorrow would not work. Garrett could change his mind by tomorrow. “I have to go today.”

  “You don’t have an interview, so it really doesn’t matter, does it?”

  “Garrett said to go today. I have to go today.”

  “I’m sorry dear, but I’ve made plans.”

  Dana thought she sounded amused, almost happy to disappoint her.

  “I have to cover a shift at the restaurant in an hour,” Opal continued, “and then I have to have dinner ready for Luke. To drive over there would take too much time, an hour both ways.”

  “I see. Okay, tomorrow then.” Saying a quick goodbye, she replaced the phone on its cradle.

  Not going to the store meant no birth control. Devon fussed in the playpen, waving tiny fists in the air. Maybe a walk into town would be good for him.

  “Hey little man,” Dana picked him up, earning a slobbery grin. “Would you like to go for a walk?”

  Dragging out a blue snowsuit Jannie had given her and a heavy green blanket with yellow ducks marching along the edges, Dana prepared to walk into town. She wrapped Devon in a lighter blanket over his snowsuit, dragged the stroller out of the corner of his room unfolded it, and placed him inside. Devon touched the brown padding on the sides of the stroller. She laid the duck blanket over the opening to prevent the cold air from blowing directly on his face.

  After pushing the stroller through the living room and to the entryway, Dana paused to get her coat. It was a little snug. She could only zip the coat halfway. It’d have to do. Sighing, she took her boots from behind the door and slippe
d them on. As worn as her coat—the soles giving way from the bottom—they probably wouldn’t be very warm.

  A gust of frigid air blew through the house through the open door. She pushed the stroller to the porch, and remembering she needed money, dragged it back inside leaving the door open. She raced to the bedroom and to the bed for the money Catherine had given her.

  After stuffing the money in the pocket of her coat, Dana rushed back to the door. Devon gurgled happily behind the big green blanket. Snow had blown in and now the pale green carpet was a soggy, brownish mess. She didn’t have time to clean it up and Garrett would likely be late anyway. Praying he didn’t choose today to come home early, she pushed the stroller out into the blustery winter morning.

  Though the trip took a little more than two hours, Devon behaved. He didn’t cry until they were almost back home. Dana walked as fast as her frozen feet would carry her. Despite the wretched walk, she’d enjoyed the morning. It was nice to see people who seemed happy to see her. She hadn’t seen much of that since having Devon.

  She even made it to the factory to fill out an application. They didn’t mind that she brought the baby in. The employees in the lobby were delighted to peek at her son, commenting on his happy disposition. Dana had a good feeling about the place.

  At the drugstore, she refilled her prescription, and then went across to the supermarket to pick up more coffee along with a few other odds and ends they needed. Catherine’s money went fast, leaving her with less than ten dollars.

  She trudged along the side of the road, and turned onto their street breathless with the effort of pushing the stroller through the snow and slush. When her house came into view, Dana’s stomach flipped over. Garrett was back early. She hurried to the door, barely making it inside before Garrett started in on her.

  “Where the hell did you go?” he roared from the kitchen. “I’ve been waiting more than an hour. And what’s this shit on the carpet?”

  “It was snowing when we left and it blew in. I was going to clean it up.” Dana removed her coat, hands trembling, and hung it in the closet. “It’ll dry anyway. It’s just water.”

  “Just water? And when it’s ‘just mold’ underneath, then that will be okay too?”